Tired of help, and my need for it.....

It is an odd thing to say that i have hit,  a point in my life where i dont want anything thats,''free''.
These things are never free,  they have strings attached but somtimes and always worse someone else had to earn for you.  you have to take from someone else. 

We live credit free but,  that said i have still borrowed.  From my mom  and dad,  friends,  and i hate myself.

I hate this need,  because i cant make it. 

I cant fix it myself and this feeling of loathing,  is making me feel more on edge and violent,  constantly. 

My sewage backed up.  Fun, I know!  I cant see where the leak is i cant direct anyone else in the repair,  and i cant afford to fix it.  A wall in my house was the victim,  of this boil over. 

I am angry now just thinking how useless i am,  and how im in the way. 

In the end i tried not to cry on the phone with my dad. 

Im afraid,  and im failing,  im not certain any longer,  and the dobut redoubles the cycle. 

So here i am drifting off and at the last second i feel it swell up in my chest again. 

So i came here to put it away,  at least for tonight,  so i can get some sleep,  and try for a better tomorrow. 

I have greatness in my life,  i will feel it again!  I just have to get there.