Tired of help, and my need for it.....

It is an odd thing to say that i have hit,  a point in my life where i dont want anything thats,''free''.
These things are never free,  they have strings attached but somtimes and always worse someone else had to earn for you.  you have to take from someone else. 

We live credit free but,  that said i have still borrowed.  From my mom  and dad,  friends,  and i hate myself.

I hate this need,  because i cant make it. 

I cant fix it myself and this feeling of loathing,  is making me feel more on edge and violent,  constantly. 

My sewage backed up.  Fun, I know!  I cant see where the leak is i cant direct anyone else in the repair,  and i cant afford to fix it.  A wall in my house was the victim,  of this boil over. 

I am angry now just thinking how useless i am,  and how im in the way. 

In the end i tried not to cry on the phone with my dad. 

Im afraid,  and im failing,  im not certain any longer,  and the dobut redoubles the cycle. 

So here i am drifting off and at the last second i feel it swell up in my chest again. 

So i came here to put it away,  at least for tonight,  so i can get some sleep,  and try for a better tomorrow. 

I have greatness in my life,  i will feel it again!  I just have to get there.

When I am not myself...

Truthfully it is now getting better because I have  a distraction.  It wasnt until i began being myself again,  that i noticed i hadnt been.  so many new things in our lives. I am now further from the boys than i have ever been that talking to them on the phone crushes me because i cant just go see them.   the new bills,  the repairs needed on the house,  and in many ways im the most trapped that i have ever been. 

And in that nature of my beast,  i thought i was handling it well.  I wasnt,  even close to well.

So i found a game of D&D on wed and i was excited,  its free,  and everyone is fairly nice  , i even ran into someone i knew when i was much younger. Like allassumptions though,  this made me overlook my failings at handling myself. 

See on the night of the secnd game,  an argument started because i asked how someone could know that information,  and he was very abrupt in his response,  and i was furious..... Yep,  over a board game.....

And that is when i noticed i was failing.  i nodded,  repeated my mantra silently to myself,  and it passed.  I ost the urge to thank them and leave,  or make some other obnoxious dramatic event,  and i just shut up and lowered my head. 

I then noticed i was pretty regularly depressed,  not that night after i overcame my anger,  i had a great night. 

But then at home i have been moody,  avoiding my friends online,  and really hating myself,  wishing i could just quit life. 

I had fallen and i needed to get up,  i had been trying to do too much at once and all the guilt i am feeling for needing help, and not seeing my family,  is killing me,  literally. 

So i spoke to my kids and arranged a second game night,  Samar played D&D with me, i got smashed,  but she actually saved the party.  we had so much fun. 

And i still dont seem to be getting ahead. 

I am afraid of needing medication again because how it was making me unruly,  and the xanax helped a ton when i had it to take.  so im kind of lost at 4am wishing i could go back to being me. 

So i look forward to my game night on wed,  and we have the kids this weekend so im pretty inspired about that,  adam is even going to be visiting me.  so i have a full positive week,  and im excited. 

Well as excited as i can be.  Sat is also my disability hearing and samar has to work.  so im nervous about that but it all will work out,  that all i have to remember. 

It will all work out in the end. 

Btw,  i love my house,  and game night,  and dragonage with alex and joe,  but i loved nothing more than watching samar play her ranger saving the party,  and sharing in my hobby.  it will be me and alex and samar next time so there always something i can reach for unitl i can get back to being me fulltime again. 

My first bad ride at the park.

I am an angry person, and when I am angry i make bad choices.   I am angry person and when...... Wait what did you just say to me?

That in a nutshell,  is how my bad ride ended.  

Here is how it started,  6 kids are wrestling with the neighbor dog,  and a pitbull,  and also in the mix is my ill female neighbor.  shoeless in her pajamas.

Max (my neighbors dog )is very large,  but extremly friendly  , he and butters (my large beagle sized dog)  get along vey well.  Now i am not a stranger to this pit,  i have seen it before,  but i have never seen it fighting with the 6' tall max. 

The other thing i noticed right away,  is the larger kid has blood all over his shirt.  so i get dressed and i go out to help get them seperated  because the choas is out of control. 

  My wife is already out here and butters it losing his mind.  Samar  takes butters in grabs a leash and they begin dragging max away,  the pitbull gets away from them,  and now he and max are at it again.  Samar is taking max up the stairs to my trailer,  when the pit gets loose again,  and max turns to defnd himself.

Now the pitbull  grabs max and drags him down the steps.  while samar has the leash wrapped around her wrist.  Dragging her down the steps,  i cant stop her fall but sara catches her head before she hits the pavement,  they get situated samars hip is sore but she is otherwise un harmed. 

Max goes in the house,  door is closed its all over. 

They are getting the pit bull ready to go when as they try to leash him,  he breaks free,  and bolts for the door. 

The big kid tackles him,  and i try to get in front of the dog. 

The kid seems to have him,  they get to thier feet and this dog shoves me to one side.

Much to his credit this kid is struggling to control this dog the best he can.   as he leans up the dog bolt from his grip and hit the door with his head.   my door caves in at the bottom enough to release the latch,  and my door is open.

This dog is now in my house the boy stops and looks at me. "go onand get him!" i said

The dog is in my living room and i tell him get him legs from the back dont lead him out drag him out he isnt listening to you. 

The boy gets to handfuls of scruff and yanks the dog backwards.  second yank and he is out and they lock the deadbolt. 

Now i dont know this,  but the latch on my door is now completely shot. 

So i loan them a leash to noose his neck and they leave, .

One of the negbors called the sheriffs department and they send out animal control.

Now this is an hour later they show,  i still havent gotten my leash back,  and i have seen the kid multiple times since then. 

Finally a gold silverado picks him up,  and they leave.  animal control arrives,  and the neighbor talks to him,  i let her know the dog battered my door in,  and about this time the gold truck is back,  he lets the kid out,  drives down our caldisac,  and shouts,  "if you wanna talk to me ypu better come to my fu**in house!"

Never lets off the gas,  actually speeds up.  the animal control guy hops in his carand jets off after him. 

Now it is very important to know,  up to this point,  im not angry,  the dog busted my door,  was in my house,  had zero control programed into him,  and i honestly believe began playing with max till all the kids got involved,  max was still playing,  the kid was bleeding and the pitbull went into defense mode.  max like wise suddenly had this dog attacking him.  But max responded to withdrawal commands.  the pitbull couldnt seem to hearanyone.

I dont think this dog is a villain,  he is a victim,  of poor training. 

Ok so this guy shouted come to my house angrily at us all.  he still has my leash,   im going too mostly because this doesnt seem to be that big a deal and i want my leash back,  very least he needs to know the door was busted by his dog.  I am not pressing charges or anything. 

I get there i step out of my truck,  and sit against it.  ill wait,  he shouts pointing at me " he better get the fuck away from my house before i beat his ass! ! "

The animal control guy asks me to stay over by my truck.  Ok,  ill just stand here,  the people outside are shouting for him to go in.  so he does,  he comes out again and as he begin running his mouth again,  i meas in the same second 2 deputies pull up.

I tell the guy the dog buckled my door in.  animal control guy i mean.

Now the deputies ask me whats going on and my involvment.  I tell them,  and they ask me what do i wanna do here.....

These people have 6 kids i can see,  they are hard working,  and the dog i still dont feel was a villain just wrong dog wrong place wrong time. 

I dont want to press charges,  i tell him that but the least he could do is apologize i didnt cone over looking for trouble,  i just want to make sure i got my leash back,  and they were aware of the havoc the dog caused,  to ensure he was more properly handled. 

He sends his wife,  who apologizes for him,  relates a bunch of personal information,  i wont relate here,  and tells me her dog is well trained.  it only listens to her. 

Then,  i say,  mam your dog isnt well trained,  but he clearly is a good dog.  she gets ver offended,  and begins telling me how max is out of control. 

I remibd her,  her dog broke into my house to fight another dog.  and im not pointing fingers,  i offered,  once they got a solid harness for the dog i would happily help her son break the dog into simple commands so he could better control him,  im more than willing to help. 

Now these people,  were aggressive to me,  for their dog being aggressive,  and i even defended the dog.  

But this guy,  its his dog so now i know whats wrong with him. And this guy is drinking beers nonstop while all of this is going on.  i didnt press charges,  because i wanted to give them a chance.  so if the dog wanders back on its own,  or the kid brings it over,  well then they deserve my paitence i think. 

If something like this happens again,  well i have stun guns in the house,  and a trump card they have only lived there a little longer than we have,  which means they cant have anything grandfathered in under the rules. 

Our leases state,  no tenant shall own or keep an aggressive breed of dog,  such as,  pitbulls........

So if forced i can at least flag that. 

I hope i wont have to,  but i feel completly disrespected and im still very angry about it 9 hours later.

No means, smile and walk away calmly, and no!

I have an irrational swell of what I can best describe as rage at being told,  no. 

It took a great deal of time for me to master this because it isnt always simply,  no.

Sometimes its to late,  to much,  to far,  or they are,  tired,  need to eat,  have plans. 

And what makes all of these things worse,  is I am impulsive. 

So I have to tell myself no often.  I regularly have conversations in my own head where i sound like me another voice,  most often that of my father,  lays out the logical but gruff version of why or why not.

So i got told no tonight,  it happens alot,  and my moment in the sun happened.  I was ok with it. 

I didnt even realize it happened till my dads voice rang out in my head.  He smiles and make this raspy high pitched voice almost like his normal speaking voice (btw he is still very much alive and really does this exact thing ) and says to me. 

Good job!  very excitedly.  I sometimes almost answer these outloud this was one of those moments.  what was?

Back there no,  and you just went about your buisness. 

I am clincally crazy,  but I like the voices in my head most of the time. 

I sometimes think voices and xanax could cure anyone. 

CB

I find myself wandering while wondering.....

I am content. Without warning i feel the bottom fall out and a rush of fear and sadness. I am most certain that in this moment i am not left wanting i was satisfied and happy moments ago. 

I fear bipolar,  almost like it is hunting me. I need this wash of irrational depression to find its way out of my head. Generally it is reflection on my children that stops me,  or the sentimental moments I look back on with my wife. Ithen try to distance myself with my imagination forcing control away from my anxeitey.  I am alone when i fail. Saddness mock me with reminders,  my failure at out new life being inevitable,  dissappointing my family  , and carring the disapproval of my children. 

My exwife furthering herslf from the intrest in the children being ours. 

So much turmoil.  I can barley breathe.  I know logically i am embelishing these things,  I am trying to destroy myself. 

My Anxiety fades.  I am alone. 

I am alone. 

I am alone and I am ok,  I will not give up.  i did not keep running.  I walked away. 

I am alone,  and that will not stop me. 

I have missed an entire episode of castle starring into the back of my palm rocking.  I stop myself.  All of it. 

I didnt win.  I have lost time again. 

I wasnt alone.  Butters needed me.  He brought me home.

Woke me from wandering off in my own head again.  from sleeping wide awake. 

I hate myself,  but I will not fear myself,  or getting lost in my head anymore.  I have to move on. 

We own a trailer now.  it is ours.  We fixed it and when we pay the bills this month we will have succeeded.  My plan will have worked. Our lives ARE better because i was in them.

And that is all I need. 

I am needed,  I can do better.

CB