When I am not myself...

Truthfully it is now getting better because I have  a distraction.  It wasnt until i began being myself again,  that i noticed i hadnt been.  so many new things in our lives. I am now further from the boys than i have ever been that talking to them on the phone crushes me because i cant just go see them.   the new bills,  the repairs needed on the house,  and in many ways im the most trapped that i have ever been. 

And in that nature of my beast,  i thought i was handling it well.  I wasnt,  even close to well.

So i found a game of D&D on wed and i was excited,  its free,  and everyone is fairly nice  , i even ran into someone i knew when i was much younger. Like allassumptions though,  this made me overlook my failings at handling myself. 

See on the night of the secnd game,  an argument started because i asked how someone could know that information,  and he was very abrupt in his response,  and i was furious..... Yep,  over a board game.....

And that is when i noticed i was failing.  i nodded,  repeated my mantra silently to myself,  and it passed.  I ost the urge to thank them and leave,  or make some other obnoxious dramatic event,  and i just shut up and lowered my head. 

I then noticed i was pretty regularly depressed,  not that night after i overcame my anger,  i had a great night. 

But then at home i have been moody,  avoiding my friends online,  and really hating myself,  wishing i could just quit life. 

I had fallen and i needed to get up,  i had been trying to do too much at once and all the guilt i am feeling for needing help, and not seeing my family,  is killing me,  literally. 

So i spoke to my kids and arranged a second game night,  Samar played D&D with me, i got smashed,  but she actually saved the party.  we had so much fun. 

And i still dont seem to be getting ahead. 

I am afraid of needing medication again because how it was making me unruly,  and the xanax helped a ton when i had it to take.  so im kind of lost at 4am wishing i could go back to being me. 

So i look forward to my game night on wed,  and we have the kids this weekend so im pretty inspired about that,  adam is even going to be visiting me.  so i have a full positive week,  and im excited. 

Well as excited as i can be.  Sat is also my disability hearing and samar has to work.  so im nervous about that but it all will work out,  that all i have to remember. 

It will all work out in the end. 

Btw,  i love my house,  and game night,  and dragonage with alex and joe,  but i loved nothing more than watching samar play her ranger saving the party,  and sharing in my hobby.  it will be me and alex and samar next time so there always something i can reach for unitl i can get back to being me fulltime again.