I find myself wandering while wondering.....

I am content. Without warning i feel the bottom fall out and a rush of fear and sadness. I am most certain that in this moment i am not left wanting i was satisfied and happy moments ago. 

I fear bipolar,  almost like it is hunting me. I need this wash of irrational depression to find its way out of my head. Generally it is reflection on my children that stops me,  or the sentimental moments I look back on with my wife. Ithen try to distance myself with my imagination forcing control away from my anxeitey.  I am alone when i fail. Saddness mock me with reminders,  my failure at out new life being inevitable,  dissappointing my family  , and carring the disapproval of my children. 

My exwife furthering herslf from the intrest in the children being ours. 

So much turmoil.  I can barley breathe.  I know logically i am embelishing these things,  I am trying to destroy myself. 

My Anxiety fades.  I am alone. 

I am alone. 

I am alone and I am ok,  I will not give up.  i did not keep running.  I walked away. 

I am alone,  and that will not stop me. 

I have missed an entire episode of castle starring into the back of my palm rocking.  I stop myself.  All of it. 

I didnt win.  I have lost time again. 

I wasnt alone.  Butters needed me.  He brought me home.

Woke me from wandering off in my own head again.  from sleeping wide awake. 

I hate myself,  but I will not fear myself,  or getting lost in my head anymore.  I have to move on. 

We own a trailer now.  it is ours.  We fixed it and when we pay the bills this month we will have succeeded.  My plan will have worked. Our lives ARE better because i was in them.

And that is all I need. 

I am needed,  I can do better.

CB