We are loved , even if we aren't understood .

Even in our greatest moments of darkness , where i feel like i contribute nothing , I am loved .

Logically it makes no sense , i haven't held a job in years , I am insanely over weight , and the progression of my disabled mobility , all lead to the fact that i do nothing but take . I am in all sense of the logical definition , a parasite .

I say this often out loud , because someone tells me how special i am or tries to pick me up and i slide downward into my depression .

I tell them because at all times in my mind , this is who i am in reality . I am always the narcissist , or the failure .

In my head my rage-ego driven-beast , created another monster , born of doubt .

Madness is funny that way because both cant exist at the same time , but one needs the other to be free . Both are just as dangerous as the other . but my self loathing i eventually earned .

People have often counciled me to learn to forgive my self . Sometimes , to not be so dramatic , it isn't that bad .

And tonight this is what i want to talk about .

outside , in the place we share , in the world of reality , it isn't that bad .

But in here alone with these monsters , it is devastating .

my ego wants me to agree , with you , " fuck 'em " it says to me loudly smiling . It wants me to believe in this attitude again . I know his game though . this is the key that opens his cage . "don't care , its about you , and how great you are how it matters to you , because everything about you is not only important , but critical ."

on the outside of his cage is a second monster , his keeper if you will .

My depression wants me to have done more , tried harder , stop dragging all of these people down . He wants me to walk away with him , and his bastard charge and end the problems we bring to everything we touch . to make amends for all of the harm we have done .

I am my own mind . im essence , the 3 of us live , here , in this small world , and i must make the choices , and not let them .

They sometimes catch me off guard , lure me away , and them do horrible things to my mind that i spend more time trying to clean up and struggle with .

but i have a secret weapon . One they often try to take from me .

I am loved . People value me . Honestly why is beyond me . But it has never been our right to judge . so i don't . I accept i am loved , i am needed . and i move forward .

It doesn't always keep them in their places . It cant always protect me . It has always kept me alive , and brought me back to my senses when i have lost my way .

i never have a moments peace , which in many ways is why i started writing this . I am happy for the war , because if i wasn't fighting , then i means i have lost .

My love brought me a great many things . my son , understands my sickness better . his tolerance for people like me is great . his acceptance of youthful drama is very low . My youngest son is joyous , and can look past peoples flaws , and smiles his way through his life . My daughter , who shares no blood with me , has learned critical thinking , at 7 , she is quick witted , and has a fairly strong sense of charismatic timing She is very strong willed , patient with peoples flaws , and will remain independent the rest of her life .

I gave them that , i was needed . I am loved . and i love back .

context

My name is Charles Brown . 5 years ago i was diagnosed with a mental illness , i also have an adverse reaction to certain drugs so i had to begin what is called the talking sure

I find myself needing a release of sorts since , i have stopped this talking cure .

so since i cant find ways to describe this condition to people , because i feel as though im making excuses , or they don't care to listen , either way , i just felt a need to document my thoughts .

So now is where i guess some context is needed . I have had what ever is wrong with me , for several years , I was married for 10 years , we had 2 boys , and when she left me it was the catalyst for a series of events in my life i wish i could take back . I cant however , forget them , or afford to let them slip by me , with out warning people that inside me lives a monster i struggle to control.

I know that seems dramatic , but in truth its the least dramatic description . The most accurate description is , there is an evil that lives in me , and whispers temptations to let it loose , and make decisions , that would cause chaos in my life and maker me long for its freedom to be in control , of everything again .

It was the bane of my existence , and the sweetest drug i have ever taken .

I hurt anyone i loved to control them , and it made me believe that i could control anything in the world .

I procrastinated . i still procrastinate . but i resist . I hated , i still hate , but i resist . I am angry , i was angry , i may always be angry , but i must control myself . And that was the hardest lesson for me to learn .

I have had nothing but shame for things i cant control , It isn't my fault that im am sick , but its also not ok to do nothing about it .

There is hope tho . My ex wife loves me , and we are family again . not in the same way , but she helped me back to myself , and my children . I met a woman who actually did make my life a better place for me and she gave me a beautiful little girl . I am a lucky man , and i have things , i dont deserve . they have kept me humble and grateful .

This is really just the first day of this blog . This first part i wanted to put it out there , to make me feel better tonight , that no matter how low it feels , It has always gotten better . It always will .

5 years ago , i lost my wife , , she took our sons , my family was afraid of me , and i didn't have an honest dialect with anyone , in my life . I lost hope and i tried to kill myself , and it was an actual stroke of luck i failed .

then , all the things i thought that drove me there , turned out to be wrong .

All the problems I couldn't escape , led me to find i was causing them .

And i am better because i worked at it .

i need to work harder.