Parasite

"I sometimes feel like a parasite in the lives of people that love me. As in , if removed they would lead far better happier lives. It is a crushing feeling, and it has only grown since being denied for disability. But I'm not here to cry, everyone's life is just as hard. I am just letting people know, I am not distant, or unhappy with anyone else. I am just sad, and I'm trying to turn it off I promise, I'm just loosing. So thanks for being my friends and loved ones, I am sure you understood ...."


I posted this on my facebook . The responses i received was warm and loving  .


"Lucas Murray I do understand. I really wish I could help you. Just remember that your a good father and husband and a good friend as well
22 hours ago · Like · 1

A'Merrie Arewa Gisele Ariyo I think nearly everyone gets denied Until they get a disability attorney. get one & they'll help you get approved. And I'm sure your family needs you & loves you for you. True love isn't based on what anyone can do for someone. So don't feel bad. Feel blessed. You provide everything they really need in this crazy world: the security of knowing they are truly loved. And you'll always have that from them, too.
22 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Amy Florio Charlie i have been fighting for disability for over 2 years keep fighting it im waiting to go in front of the administrative law judge without an attorney just be persistent
17 hours ago via mobile · Like

Adam Platania I can't speak for anyone else, but you are one of my favorite people on the planet.... keep your head up
17 hours ago via mobile · Like

Suzann Grant
15 hours ago · Like

Meg Malins It took me four years, three applications, a complete mental breakdown and a week inpatient in a psych facility before they approved me based on the condition of my back (which had been submitted as a separate issue). I have a degenerative spinal cond...See More
15 hours ago · Like

Dianne Carter de Mayo Charlie, they do turn people down in my experience until they get to the 2nd level of the appeal process. Cynical as it sounds, it feels as though they keep costs down by only granting the claims of the persistent. If it helps, though, a friend of mine...See More
15 hours ago · Like



Izzi Davis Hang in their cuz it will get better just remember to laugh as often as posible life is to short to give in to the sadness
3 hours ago via mobile · Like


and i responded in kind .


Charlie Brown I appreciate it everyone, I do, thank you. I was turned down by 3 firms to represent me since I have been with out a doctor for 3 years, because I have also been without a job that long so I can't afford on, and so on and rinse and repeat. So pl...See More
13 hours ago via mobile · Like


looking back i think i may have been crying , in my own way , so depressed i just wanted , childishly , someone to walk by with the magical answers to fix it and make it all better .

i dont want to say it was a cry for attention , but maybe i shout in the dark to see if anyone could still hear me , and know i was here .

In all honesty i just dont know other than i sat staring at that post and finally hit send .

I dont want pity . I dont think i ever really do anymore because it shames me . .

That is a new feeling for me , shame . I didnt care before , now all i do is care . And it hurts . All of the time i just fear being wrong , offending or shaming myself and being rejected for these things . for being alone , for being without those connections of being a part of a community of friends . all i do is reassure myself , im going to ruin all these friendships

But i feel alone in a room full of people i know are friends .

i think thats what is scaring me the most , what i know , doesn't matter anymore . I am slowly becoming disconnected , and it is all an avalanche from being denied for disability . I am not truly disabled because i can move .

Im not depressed enough , or unhealthy enough , and on the inside , i hate myself because i wont just keep going till i break .

........

That isnt true , on the surface thats how i feel . But i keep wanting to just die , and free them all from me .

I am suicidal but i dont want to die , but i am certain , and inconsolable about the fact i should just die . IO am a blight , a monstrous tic sucking us all dry .

I am having problems with Joe now , he even hit me tonight , and im big enough to handle it , and i didnt hit him back , it burned on the inside of me like a screaming inferno , just to teach him to never touch me . I didn't let it win . I never knew how much stronger this depression was than my rage . Because im only stalling it , always loosing ground . I am pushing back as hard as i can .

It doesn't matter . im not sure it ever will .


Living like this is killing me , and destroying the lives of the people i love . Im trying to hold on . I want to live . be a rock for joe , and my kids , make my parents proud , \and be the husband she deserves .

but all the failure , is burying me alive . and no matter how i fill my life with distractions and tasks , they are like band-aids , against decapitation , it just seems hopeless .


Amd what hurts me the most is , when i tell people i place my burden on them , and they suffer with me , or sometimes worse , they just want me to turn it off and just "feel better "

If i had a switch in here to just turn it off , why wouldn't i do that instead of burning my life down around me .

I need help , i cant afford , and that i just dont have the energy to fight for anymore .

Its odd , i used to believe the voice i heard in my head that i could have deep grinding conversations with . it seems liek i have lost control of it . and now it just tells me these " truthes" about my life , and how i know the numbers i know what im doing to these people . im not sure when i lost control of it . I often wonder if im not the reason , i used to argue with , and that other voice is me , hiding in the darkness i so desperately spew .

im not sure who i am anymore .

I am lost .

There is a fine line in my life i realized i crossed , and when i did , it was barley noticeable , until i was so far beyond it i recognized the place i was in . Cool dad is the worst job ever . See that balance is complicated and i warn you , you can never actually be both at the same time. I want to keep not just a bond but a bond of meaning between me and my boys , the kind they say , to other people when they are old , " my dad was amazing, Because he ...... " see that sentence never ends in cool or fun .... those are bad dad descriptions at that point . I dont do anything in my life but try to be me , and be the best me , and forge them into the best ... "thems" . i desperately want to just hang out and be cool , but i looked over my shoulder after i said no , because i said so .... and there was that line waaaay back there ..... i didn't even know i had moved past it and now i can barely see it anymore . my father told me so and i didnt listen . My dad is amazing , he was when i was a kid too Because he believed in me =) even when i didn't listen .


Its weird really , i was never going to be like him , ever . And looking back i bet he was just determined not to be like his dad who took off .

he wasnt , he stayed , even when it was bad my dad toughed it out and fixed everything .

I want to be able to do that for my boys soon .  But i was turned down for disability again , and it made that feeling liek i wanna work , even worse

im blessed , but i cant keep my head up anymore latley . All i wanna do is be cool dad ..... but im not able to keep up the dad part as much as a should because i cant do more .... im failing ......