There is a fine line in my life i realized i crossed , and when i did , it was barley noticeable , until i was so far beyond it i recognized the place i was in . Cool dad is the worst job ever . See that balance is complicated and i warn you , you can never actually be both at the same time. I want to keep not just a bond but a bond of meaning between me and my boys , the kind they say , to other people when they are old , " my dad was amazing, Because he ...... " see that sentence never ends in cool or fun .... those are bad dad descriptions at that point . I dont do anything in my life but try to be me , and be the best me , and forge them into the best ... "thems" . i desperately want to just hang out and be cool , but i looked over my shoulder after i said no , because i said so .... and there was that line waaaay back there ..... i didn't even know i had moved past it and now i can barely see it anymore . my father told me so and i didnt listen . My dad is amazing , he was when i was a kid too Because he believed in me =) even when i didn't listen .


Its weird really , i was never going to be like him , ever . And looking back i bet he was just determined not to be like his dad who took off .

he wasnt , he stayed , even when it was bad my dad toughed it out and fixed everything .

I want to be able to do that for my boys soon .  But i was turned down for disability again , and it made that feeling liek i wanna work , even worse

im blessed , but i cant keep my head up anymore latley . All i wanna do is be cool dad ..... but im not able to keep up the dad part as much as a should because i cant do more .... im failing ......