the fight for cereal

Again im here to record my descent .

I fell on Friday . Not actually fell , but metaphorically .

I preach alot the importance to own ones , own temper , not to blame others for loosing control . I became a hypocrite on Friday afternoon when for the first time in a very long time ( years i think) i so completely lost control i had a breakdown and in my unsubsiding rage i feared for what i wanted to do to this person . So much despair and shame filled me as i viewed the looks of fear around me , as i wept unable to fully hold my anger in place , i was shaking and stumbled , onto a near by seat .

I needed to leave because i live with the person i was fighting with and i had a growing desire to finish this once and for all .

what were we fighting about .

well to be honest , he is an asshole . It isnt my own opinion  it is everyone who lives with him . He is a major narcissist , and is not only always right but anything you accuse him of he immediately defends and claims you do it as well . you cant negotiate with him , or reason , he is right you are wrong , and that is all it ever will be .

our fight ....
some issues i have with the fact i dont believe in hoarding food  . If i have it your all welcome to it , fod is for eating , and that is just the simple truth .

Now in the cases of roommates i can see the need for separating this because being roommates is in essence , a business agreement .

But this is my father in law .

Now i wasnt actually upset he was hoarding 5 or more boxes of ceral , i was actually just stating my disapproval over it because he heard my conversation with my brother in law , and asked what my problem was with it .

he began claiming i do it too , i denied it , he tried to give me vauge examples , i gave him specific counters , and he began shouting at me , he then told me to shut up . my wife then got involved and said he should shut up , he then stated my wife better shut up .

now at this point i see the chaos and i was ready to pull out , but veiled threats or attempts to intimidate my wife , anger me , and i was already heated .

i then asked wtf did he just say , and then followed his answer with fuck you mfer , you need to watch yourself , to which he responded i was a bitch . . . .

now before i say anything further ,

I am wrong , i am angry , i am not dialing myself or my wife down , and in retrospect because the entire house has rules about dealing with my father in-law ( set up by me ) i am now way to far across the line .

but i don't deal well with challenges of disrespect or my manhood .

so i attempted to provoke him . telling him to get up and do something about it . he stood up and i dove into his face begging him to hit me so we could end this little back and forth , to cross the line because im not putting him in jail but unless he stfu i was going to put him  in the hospital .

and now i have done it ....

Now i didn't know at the time but they have a rather large heavy coffee table i had plowed through .  I walk with a cane , and it is laying across the room with my glasses i also tossed , i dont remember doing either .

and there is more than one mistake here , i have made threats i can't back up and explained to him how to entice my rage more , in retrospect everything he said after this was to get me to throw the first punch ..... to remove me  .... i was now being played .

Now im perfectly capable of following through with my threat , but he knows im holding back and i have pointed directly at the line i wont cross.


his final taunt , was haunting a threat that i need to find a way to make the house payment cause if i was staying he was leaving .... i mean we and my brother in-law pay every other bill why not right ?

now much more was said after i now  realize i was being played . i tried centering myself , letting him know NO ONE ELSE in our WHOLE FAMILY has an issue with me , but can he say the same .... because he is getting out of control 

that is the one rational thought i had , i attempted to shame him back into place , the guy who when i told him he was a narcissist , he responded with your not a psychiatrist you cant diagnose me .....


My wife is terribly dedicated to me , And i could now see the wake of destruction i had left in our lives because she was tied to me , and the aftermath that would also affect my daughter and my brother-in-law who to this point i had always mediated for with this egotist .

i had destroyed our family because i had drawn lines i dont believe i can safely undraw , even now .

He had proven i wont hit him , that he can pull me into a fight , and that it caused me a crippling rage and depression , which he saw as hurting my feelings till i ran away .

I write all this here as an explanation for the ocean of emotions i know people like me feel and get carried away in .

Now the basis of my argument was and remains , i dont like you buy food for just your but you take from everyone else indiscriminately , and im not going to tell you you cant share in what i have but i also reserve the right to not like what your doing . its wrong .  you do what you liek .

Those words actually left my mouth , and he began shouting at me , and here , right here i am right .....

but here didnt last , and i crossed that line , it doesnt matter if i was right before .

the shame i feel for how i allowed this to drag this drama into every other person in our house , whom i love dearly , is all the proof i can offer .

being right never means making them agree with you .