We are loved , even if we aren't understood .

Even in our greatest moments of darkness , where i feel like i contribute nothing , I am loved .

Logically it makes no sense , i haven't held a job in years , I am insanely over weight , and the progression of my disabled mobility , all lead to the fact that i do nothing but take . I am in all sense of the logical definition , a parasite .

I say this often out loud , because someone tells me how special i am or tries to pick me up and i slide downward into my depression .

I tell them because at all times in my mind , this is who i am in reality . I am always the narcissist , or the failure .

In my head my rage-ego driven-beast , created another monster , born of doubt .

Madness is funny that way because both cant exist at the same time , but one needs the other to be free . Both are just as dangerous as the other . but my self loathing i eventually earned .

People have often counciled me to learn to forgive my self . Sometimes , to not be so dramatic , it isn't that bad .

And tonight this is what i want to talk about .

outside , in the place we share , in the world of reality , it isn't that bad .

But in here alone with these monsters , it is devastating .

my ego wants me to agree , with you , " fuck 'em " it says to me loudly smiling . It wants me to believe in this attitude again . I know his game though . this is the key that opens his cage . "don't care , its about you , and how great you are how it matters to you , because everything about you is not only important , but critical ."

on the outside of his cage is a second monster , his keeper if you will .

My depression wants me to have done more , tried harder , stop dragging all of these people down . He wants me to walk away with him , and his bastard charge and end the problems we bring to everything we touch . to make amends for all of the harm we have done .

I am my own mind . im essence , the 3 of us live , here , in this small world , and i must make the choices , and not let them .

They sometimes catch me off guard , lure me away , and them do horrible things to my mind that i spend more time trying to clean up and struggle with .

but i have a secret weapon . One they often try to take from me .

I am loved . People value me . Honestly why is beyond me . But it has never been our right to judge . so i don't . I accept i am loved , i am needed . and i move forward .

It doesn't always keep them in their places . It cant always protect me . It has always kept me alive , and brought me back to my senses when i have lost my way .

i never have a moments peace , which in many ways is why i started writing this . I am happy for the war , because if i wasn't fighting , then i means i have lost .

My love brought me a great many things . my son , understands my sickness better . his tolerance for people like me is great . his acceptance of youthful drama is very low . My youngest son is joyous , and can look past peoples flaws , and smiles his way through his life . My daughter , who shares no blood with me , has learned critical thinking , at 7 , she is quick witted , and has a fairly strong sense of charismatic timing She is very strong willed , patient with peoples flaws , and will remain independent the rest of her life .

I gave them that , i was needed . I am loved . and i love back .