context

My name is Charles Brown . 5 years ago i was diagnosed with a mental illness , i also have an adverse reaction to certain drugs so i had to begin what is called the talking sure

I find myself needing a release of sorts since , i have stopped this talking cure .

so since i cant find ways to describe this condition to people , because i feel as though im making excuses , or they don't care to listen , either way , i just felt a need to document my thoughts .

So now is where i guess some context is needed . I have had what ever is wrong with me , for several years , I was married for 10 years , we had 2 boys , and when she left me it was the catalyst for a series of events in my life i wish i could take back . I cant however , forget them , or afford to let them slip by me , with out warning people that inside me lives a monster i struggle to control.

I know that seems dramatic , but in truth its the least dramatic description . The most accurate description is , there is an evil that lives in me , and whispers temptations to let it loose , and make decisions , that would cause chaos in my life and maker me long for its freedom to be in control , of everything again .

It was the bane of my existence , and the sweetest drug i have ever taken .

I hurt anyone i loved to control them , and it made me believe that i could control anything in the world .

I procrastinated . i still procrastinate . but i resist . I hated , i still hate , but i resist . I am angry , i was angry , i may always be angry , but i must control myself . And that was the hardest lesson for me to learn .

I have had nothing but shame for things i cant control , It isn't my fault that im am sick , but its also not ok to do nothing about it .

There is hope tho . My ex wife loves me , and we are family again . not in the same way , but she helped me back to myself , and my children . I met a woman who actually did make my life a better place for me and she gave me a beautiful little girl . I am a lucky man , and i have things , i dont deserve . they have kept me humble and grateful .

This is really just the first day of this blog . This first part i wanted to put it out there , to make me feel better tonight , that no matter how low it feels , It has always gotten better . It always will .

5 years ago , i lost my wife , , she took our sons , my family was afraid of me , and i didn't have an honest dialect with anyone , in my life . I lost hope and i tried to kill myself , and it was an actual stroke of luck i failed .

then , all the things i thought that drove me there , turned out to be wrong .

All the problems I couldn't escape , led me to find i was causing them .

And i am better because i worked at it .

i need to work harder.