Chronic pain and and mental health problems , how do i live with both ?

So to get started off this is not a poor me rant . quite the opposite im resolute , in my convictions of learning to be safe and comfortable in my own skin .  Some of these choices seem to contradict each other , but in honesty those contradictions are based on someones opinion looking from the outside in .

So now that is said , let me be blunt , cause fi your reading this i love you , im sure even if i don't know you , you taking the time to read this already makes you a better person than most and that sets you on a shelf of respect in my opinions on people .

So i say this with love , you have no idea what its like being me , and no, im sure you cant imagine it .

i am not saying that to be snarky or mean , but , no you haven't had to teach yourself a new way to walk again and rules about how you do that , as safe as possible . im sure you can feel most or all of your legs and have never sprained an ankle and walked on it for several hour before it cut on suddenly adding to the ocean of pain your swimming in already .

No , pain is not all the same its damning . Imagine it like this .....

Your in a china shop , a place selling fine crystal stemware , and expensive plates , and dinnerware , all fragile , and two things are happening , one , you have to hand your credit card to the clerk when you enter , and two , your chained to a hyper active aggressive , Capuchin monkey , you spend all of your time focusing on controlling this monkey from causing damage and making sure no one is bothered or startled by him , When suddenly a second monkey appears attached too you .  who is unfamiliar and has all the same problems as the first monkey , but runs , dodges and bites in a completely new way .

Thats how it works , in essence its the same , but in fact its a different and new out of control animal .

So you learn to avoid china shops , they are some daily tasks , and outings , luxuries , and most of all stress .

So that is step one , step two is the whole reason im writing this .


People will judge your decisions , because your lazy , or unwilling , or any of the other million reasons that your thought process seems off to them , because they are sure they understand what you must be going through , and your just being "XYZ"  .

So to be fair i know you dont know , but , you dont know , that you dont . I hope you never do , and i mean that sincerely . I cant tell you the guilt i have felt over people judging me or making decisions  about choices i have made or thing that are set up in my life that are there to make my life , from their perspective , easier . in honesty they are there to make my life livable.

Their judgement knows no bounds , and i try not to blame them , or you if you are among them , but it is hard .

Its hard because i also have a mental disorder .

In truth i was one of the millions of people in the U.S. who believed this claim was a crutch , and if they really wanted to they could do it .

i hate crutches , so much so , that i often try to float around my house , or the shop i frequent with out my cane . it makes me feel free , and better about myself .

honestly isnt that what people who have mental disorders do , they see it as a crutch , and try to free them selves .

If only it were that simple .

So now lets talk about fuel , and fires . I have a chronic pain , it causes insomnia , but lets imagine it didn't , and the pain as a constant not a button that goes off once in a while , adds too my mental condition .

to put it back into a visual , the china shop , you suddenly have 5 monkeys out of nowhere they just materialize . they each now have 8 arms , and your slowly turning into a silver-back gorilla , who has had enough . This visual i might remind you has your credit card ... and always will have a way of making you pay for these consequences .

the card and the clerk are the judgement , and i know from experience , i will be charged no matter what i do . so i do the best i can to reign in my problems , and minimize how many i end up with .

Honestly i cant win in my situation . It is hard keeping friends , and people that trust you because , in their eyes , "Your not trying hard enough ." or "you not taking care of yourself."

This description above applies to everything in my life , from getting out of bed , going to the bathroom , or making dinner , to when its safe for me to take a shower , or walk anywhere .

Now you might think reading this , forget them and what they think , insert cliche statement here , but lets be honest for a second . I am trying the best to live a normal life under extraordinary circumstances .

So before you judge me id like to say something , here , for you to remember .

If i dont complain , its not because i dont hurt . Also I always dont feel good so sometimes i actually dont know im getting sick .

I have insomnia , it compromises my immune system . I have a chronic pain syndrome , it compromises my immune system , i get sick a lot . No i cant get more sleep , yes i am taking care of myself .

I appreciate you want to help , i really do , but i dont really want to have this problem and im trying to assess if its about to escalate or not , im not mad , or upset with anyone , i just need a minute .

and finally

Yes i am stubborn , i have to be , i have depression , and being stubborn gets me out of bed everyday , because every single day i consider quitting , and staying there .


I have Anxiety and borderline personality disorder , i have a spinal injury that has grown over the years . I dont have insurance but not for a lack of trying , im not receiving disablilty , nor any other social care , except a food supplemental fro my family . I dont want pity or charity , i just want a little understanding .

and thats why i wrote all of this , so that if you took the time to read it , you might know , and understand that you dont know or understand . That is ok , i accept that . I just hope you will as well .

I ask you try to soften your judgments of me , and know , unless you have actually wronged me , i always do the same for you . Sometimes even after you have wronged me i do it as well .

I have been yelled at and called names , to my face and behind my back , im still friends with that person . I have been cheated , and im still that persons friend . I have been the victim of false promises made by a person begging me to trust them and i am still friends with them .

Thats who i am , in effect it is sometimes all i feel i have left . I am loyal .

and all im asking in return is the same . I believe there are many people like me out there .  So i write this for me and all of them . Please accept what you may not know , and maybe judge people a little less harshly .

Thanks if you read this , it made my world a little more bearable . =)
CB